Families of addictions and other trauma will often try to control the few emotions that are allowed

Don’t Feel
Many people become adept at repressing their emotions. From outward appearances, Emily seems to be a happy and open parent. However, when it comes to situations involving her children and emotional hurt, she often tells them to quit crying and toughen up. Emily learned to repress her emotions so she could survive her abusive mother. She is now trying to teach her children these same protective “skills.”

Everyone has emotions, but in families of trauma, to feel is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is perceived as the cause of emotional pain and so people avoid it at all costs. The “Don’t Feel” rule includes survival behaviors that help a person avoid feelings. Behaviors include repressing emotions, trying to forget pain, blaming others for our feelings, denial, and trying to change how we feel.

Families of addictions and other trauma will often try to control the few emotions that are allowed. For some people anger is acceptable and yet others in the family are not allowed to express it. Crying in response to a painful conflict is often criticized and repressed by other family members. There are families where expressions of grief are not allowed. A family that does not tolerate respectful and honest expressions of emotions is a family that is not safe.

It is important to understand that anger, crying, grief, and other “negative” emotions are natural responses to trauma. Although many families of trauma do not allow such emotions to be displayed, only when individuals are safely allowed to express such internal feelings will health and healing begin.

As a result of family experiences, individuals create their own rules for emotional control. For some people anger is frightening; instead of acting “angry,” they act “hurt.” For others, the feelings of being scared or hurt are replaced by anger and rage. Important relationships are harmed when people are not appropriate and honest with their emotions.

The “Don’t Feel” rule leads to a growing army of repressed emotions. These emotions can contribute to experiences of being overwhelmed, anxious, easily angered, and depressed. As these emotions build, people become increasingly vulnerable to addictions that are often used to temporarily quiet repressed feelings.

Don’t Talk
Joy grew up with the motto that states, “If you cannot say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” In her marriage, conflicts fester and are not resolved because it would involve having unkind or angry words. Joy lives with the hope that if a problem is not talked about, then it will either resolve itself or disappear. This false hope is the essence of the “Don’t Talk” survival rule.

The “Don’t Talk” survival rule does not mean people don’t communicate. It means they do not speak the truth about the real and significant individual and relationship issues. They hide the problems or gloss over any subject that may create conflict. Above all, they don’t talk about personal needs or solving problems. If an issue is not mentioned, the family perceives the issue as being resolved.

When the “Don’t Talk” survival rule becomes a part of a person’s approach to life they fail to develop problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Instead, these are replaced by a belief that problems should not be a part of a healthy relationship. When conflict issues arise, they are often treated as a problem with the relationship rather than a problem to be resolved. It becomes easier to blame each other than work through the difficulty. The problem still exists, however, and will continue to gnaw at a person until resolved.

When issues are not resolved then they are repressed. These repressed emotions lead to frustration, anger, depression, and resentments. They also impair the person’s ability to cope with new issues of relationship and life stress. This opens the door for addictive behaviors that relieve the building anxiety in life that results from not coping with problems.

Control and Manipulate Relationships
Seth knew at a young age that it was futile to talk back to his father. Any attempt at protest or negotiation would be shouted down. Seth developed a strategy to circumvent his father’s demands Rather than fight dad’s control, he would agree with his father’s requests and then go off and do whatever he wanted to do. Seth had learned passive controlling behavior to handle his father’s anger.

Everyone has relationship needs. The survival rules of “Don’t Trust,” “Don’t Feel,” and “Don’t Talk” sabotage healthy relationships. People from families of addictions and other trauma also learn how to control and manipulate others to meet their relationship needs.

There are two main categories of relationship control: One is an active “in your face” approach to control and the second is a more passive, guerrilla warfare control. Active control includes rage, anger, yelling, making threats, nagging, withholding of affection, and long-term silence or withdrawal. Passive control is many times used in response to active control. The internal dialog of passive control states, “I will act as if I agree with you, but I will do whatever I chose to do.”

Individuals commonly use both active and passive control techniques to satisfy relationship needs. However, when one person manipulates another, neither person trusts the results. If a spouse “pouts” to get attention and affection, the response will not be fulfilling. The person pouting cannot accept the love because the method used was not honest. The spouse that responds realizes that they have been “conned” and as a result loses trust in the relationship.

Control and manipulation deteriorates into relationships that are based on a power struggle. One person is the perpetrator and holds the power while the other becomes the victim. The balance of power often shifts as each person strives for control. Instead of intimacy, the reality of relationship for many people is a struggle between being strong and being a victim.

Conclusion
Relationship health and dysfunction can be measured by the need for and the intensity of survival rules. The degree to which control is an issue is the degree that the relationship is in trouble. As trust breaks down, then emotions are not shared. If healthy expressions of feelings are not allowed, then conflicts will not be resolved. Unresolved conflicts fuel a need to be in control. Personal health requires a concerted effort to identify and eliminate the survival rules that we use in relationships.

People often avoid working through their survival rules for fear of dredging up unwanted memories, pain, and emotions. Others try to convince themselves that everything is under control or that it really isn’t that important. For some, finances or life situations prevent them from getting the help and healing they need. Yet, until a person is ready to confront the brokenness in his or her life, the chances of achieving lasting freedom and healing remain slim.

There is help and resource material available for those who have been affected by family trauma.

About the author
Steve Earll is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addictions Counselor in private practice specializing in family trauma, addictions, co-dependency, and recovery issues in Colorado Springs, CO. Steve has conducted training with therapists, educators, and churches concerning issues of addictions and family trauma in the United States, Canada, Europe and the Middle East.

Copyright © 2004 Steve Earll. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.