People who live in families that experience trauma and addictions learn complex methods of survival

In biology class we were taught that when threatened, animals enter survival mode. The “fight or flight” response dictates an animal’s breathing, heart rate, adrenaline, and other body functions. Advanced biology and neurology classes explore these reactions in humans to an amazing degree. We are also aware of other survival rules that our bodies follow, such as constricting blood flow to the extremities in cold weather and burning off fat tissue when the body has gone without food for a period of time.

While these basic biological functions seem apparent enough, few of us understand or recognize that we also have ways to cope with threats to our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. These “survival rules” are often necessary for us to cope with traumatic situations that occur in our lives. Frequently these coping methods become habits and patterns that, if not reversed or resolved, can cause significant long-term harm to us.

Just as we would not expect our body to last long in the cold or without food, we cannot long survive when we depend on unhealthy survival rules. By exploring what these “rules” look like, we can start to recognize when we slip into them and work to counter their detrimental effects. Identifying and resolving the unhealthy survival rules that may have arisen in our lives is the key to achieving freedom from dysfunction and destructive patterns.

Trying to Get By
People who live in families that experience trauma and addictions endure a lifestyle of day-to-day survival. Pain, fighting, stressed relationships, abuse, isolation, and hopelessness are the emotional reality of family life. The family dysfunction and emotional stress become the “normal” way of living. To cope with the situation, individuals learn complex methods of survival. These methods of survival, in turn, lead to further personal and family dysfunction. In dysfunctional families common reactions to stress include:

• Denial of trauma
• Avoidance of working through trauma issues
• Running from pain and grief emotions
• Not allowing resolution or healing of an issue or problem

The first three reactions all involve a form of emotional escapism. Individuals and families that are more dysfunctional than healthy resist dealing with trauma. This denial process is very strong and is often accompanied by a strict belief system that does not acknowledge difficult issues. In other words, dysfunctional families believe that if a problem or trauma is not acknowledged, it will disappear.

Trauma within families produces powerful emotions such as anger and grief. Some people try to hide these emotions, creating repressed grief and passive aggressive responses. Others try to deny these emotions, but denial doesn’t always work.

Mood-changing chemicals or behaviors can become a part of an individual’s life to help kill the pain and assist the process of denial. Chemicals include the use of alcohol, drugs, or food to quiet the mind. Behaviors that alter emotions include relationships, sexual, and money addictions, plus compulsive exercising and over-working. These behaviors provide distractions from the grief and pain created by trauma.

Long before addictions begin, people develop certain survival rules to help them cope with pain. In her book on children of alcoholics, It Will Never Happen To Me, Claudia Black identifies three of the main survival rules of families of trauma: “Don’t Trust,” “Don’t Feel,” and “Don’t Talk.” I add a fourth survival rule: “Control and Manipulate Relationships.”

These rules become a person’s method for dealing with troubled relationships in their families and with the rest of the world. Even though most people hide these rules deep in their subconscious mind, they continue to have a destructive effect on all intimate relationships. For anyone looking to be free from survival dysfunction, each of these rules must be recognized, understood, confronted, and changed.

Don’t Trust
Mark struggles with jealousy in his marriage. He is constantly questioning his wife about what she does with her time and whom she has seen socially. When out in public he often feels inadequate compared to other men. Mark wrestles with deep issues of trust concerning his wife and self-confidence.

Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. The issue of whether we trust or don’t trust others is a part of the first stage of child development. Erik Erikson, a pioneer in developmental psychology, presented an eight-stage theory of human development in his book, Childhood and Society. The first stage of development, covering birth to one year, is referred to as the “Trust versus Mistrust” stage.

Erikson suggests that from early care giving, infants learn about basic safety and trustworthiness from their family and the environment. If parents are consistent with their care and responses to the baby’s needs, then the infant perceives the world as a secure environment that is worthy of his or her trust. If the infant grows up in a family where the responses to his needs are inconsistent, painful, full of stress, and threatening, then he learns that the world is an unsafe place that cannot be trusted.

The ability to trust or not trust isn’t determined solely in infancy, though. As children grow and become more aware of their world, trust continues to be won or lost. In families of trauma, the issue of trust is decided by how children related to their parents. Were the parents consistently present? How did their parents respond to needs? Were they loved and accepted by them?

If parents were responsive in a consistent and caring manner, then children would learn to trust their parents and approach the world with an attitude of trust. However, if they were not accepted, if their parents were not consistent, if they were often under a lot of stress, if they were absent, or if they were treated in a harsh manner, then children are more likely to learn to distrust their parents. If a person cannot trust his or her parents, then no other adult is worthy of trust. This inability to trust has devastating consequences for all future relationships.

If a person does not “unlearn” the survival rule of “Don’t Trust,” then mistrust becomes a major issue in every important relationship. Trust is not an emotion that a person has or does not have. Think of trust in terms of percentages. For people who grew up with family trauma, they will take a long time to develop a high percentage of trust even with someone they love. Even then, this trust is vulnerable to any mistake. One error or violation can have a devastating effect on trust percentages. The “Don’t Trust” rule can mean one strike and the person is “out.”

The issue of trust also has strong spiritual implications. Parents are important spiritual figures in a child’s development. They give life, provide for needs, train, and teach them. Parents are a reflection of God. If a person cannot trust his or her parents, they will have a more difficult time trusting God and will see Him as inconsistent, uncaring, and critical. This understanding of God will leave an even larger void in a person’s life, resulting in even greater efforts to fill it, often furthering a destructive of addictive cycle.

About the author
Steve Earll is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addictions Counselor in private practice specializing in family trauma, addictions, co-dependency, and recovery issues in Colorado Springs, CO. Steve has conducted training with therapists, educators, and churches concerning issues of addictions and family trauma in the United States, Canada, Europe and the Middle East.

Copyright © 2004 Steve Earll. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.