Codependency
Codependency is term used to explain survival behaviors that we learn growing up or living in dysfunctional family situations. We then carry these survival patterns into our adult lives and they have detrimental effects on our parenting, marriages and other relationships. We continue in a survival mode that involves very low trust of ourselves or others, repressed emotions and controlling and self centered behaviors. Codependency is being stuck in past survival patterns that arrest our personal growth and maturity.
The term codependency is used to describe the adoption of another person’s life in order to avoid our personal fears, issues and inadequacies. We become addicted to another person’s identity or to the mission of fixing someone else’s problems. Our identity becomes our spouse or our children. How we feel on a given day depends on the emotions or behavior of others. We surrender our identity and self worth to others.
Two codependency jokes clarify the issue. Did you hear the joke about the codependent that woke up and asked their spouse, “How am I going to feel today?” Or there was a codependent person who was drowning and someone else’s life flashed before their eyes. While not really funny, both of these jokes describe tragic patterns of survival where codependents deny their identity, emotional pain, fears and anxiety and become controlling caretakers of others.
The following is a partial list of common codependency behavior and emotions.
- Shame and guilt for taking care of ourselves, being assertive or standing up for ourselves
- Need to have control over relationships
- Trust, control and commitment insecurities
- People pleasing behavior or a strong need to seek and have the approval of others
- Victim and or abuser reactions in relationships
- Strong fear of abandonment
- Excessive worry, attempting to control the future through worry
- Avoidance of pain, fear of conflict, hypersensitivity to criticism
- Emotional denial or repression and feelings of depression and hopelessness
- Attraction to others with a similar level of emotional pain
- Attracted to addictive personalities or damaged relationships that become “projects”
- Difficulties being adult as demonstrated by over-responsible or irresponsible reactions and behaviors to relationship problems or life stress
- Active addictions and or pervasive addiction relapse issues
- Sexual and intimacy issues
- Creating and living a secret life (affairs)
- Lies and exaggerations about our life even when there is no need to do so
- Controlling or impaired parental relationships
Codependency behaviors seriously affect our personal growth and our relationships. Without counseling help these behaviors lead to the spiritual, emotional, physical, relational and social deterioration. I offer counseling help and resource material for those who have been affected by codependency, addictions, compulsive behavior and family trauma. This website provides a resource page and counseling contact information to help with these issues.