Family abuse covers a myriad of behaviors that wound the souls of children or the spouse.

Families of Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Abuse
Family abuse covers a myriad of behaviors that wound the souls of children or the spouse. Legal definitions of abuse only address its physical or sexual nature, or abandonment and neglect. Psychological explanations of abuse emphasize its emotional and developmental effects. This examination will address emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Emotional Abuse
Karen’s marriage has been hard from the beginning. She believes that relationships involve compromise, but after several years she realizes that most of the compromise has been on her side of the ledger. Her husband has never liked any of her friends and becomes enraged when she had contact with them. To keep peace, Karen has cut off all contact with former friends. She now feels alone, trapped, and manipulated. Karen has allowed herself to be victim of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is an attempt to control family members by manipulating their emotions, environment, sense of personal safety, and self-esteem. Emotional abuse can be both passive and active. Subtle, or passive abuse, includes behaviors such as disregarding and downplaying the abilities of a person or ignoring an individual. Berating, name calling, and verbal harassment for purposes of control are examples of noticeable or active abuse.

Isolation of a family member is a powerful form of emotional abuse. This forced seclusion increases the abuser’s control by severely limiting a family member’s contact with friends or the outside world. As the victim becomes more isolated, he or she begins to lose hope. The victim increasingly must rely on the perpetrator for his or her emotional needs.

Intimidation involves the abuser using actions such as threatening looks, gestures, and posturing to create fear in the victim. Through intimidation the abuser threatens to use rage and anger. If the victim does not comply with the wishes of the perpetrator, she risks being the target of rage or physical violence.

Verbal threats use the possibility of violence to attack the victim’s rights of physical or physiological safety. Threats of beating, extreme physical punishment, bone breaking, or other physical injury are common forms of verbal coercion.

Threats include promises of damaging or ending relationships. This abuse often involves the children or other family members. Statements such as “I’m going to turn the children against you,” or “If you walk out on me, I’m taking the children with me and you will never see them again,” are common uses of this type of emotional abuse. Rumors and lies that would damage his or her integrity or reputation and turn family members against the victim can be very intimidating.

Another type of intimidation is when an abuser threatens personal emotional harm. Examples include comments about leaving or abandoning the victim, having an affair, or continuing substance abuse.

Economic manipulation is controlling people by monopolizing money usage or by threatening economic stability. In many families, unreasonable control of finances or the creation of overwhelming debt can become areas of emotional abuse.

Physical Abuse
Judy believes that Steve is a good husband. He is quiet and easy-going, hardworking, and a good father. When he is stressed, however, Steve has been known to rage at her and the children. On more than one occasion, he has shoved Judy into the bedroom and kept her there until he was done yelling. After he settles down, Steve always feels bad about his behavior and apologizes for what he has done. Judy knows that Steve loves her. She believes that if she tries harder to be a good wife, Steve will not react so strongly the next time he is under stress.

Physical abuse is the control of others through intimidation, fear, and acts of violence. Physically abusive behavior involves pushing, shoving, grabbing hair, twisting arms, holding people against the wall or to the floor, striking, using weapons, punching, kicking, and biting. Physical abuse is frequently accompanied by out-of-control rage. Many legal definitions of physical abuse require evidence of bruising, scarring, or other bodily proof of harm. For this victim, the physical violence is often overshadowed by the memory of the accompanying emotional violence.

Sexual Abuse
Five-year-old Robert is being sexually molested by a male baby-sitter. At first the attention and touching “games” were fun. Now, however, he feels guilty about the secrets and hates the nights when mom and dad leave him with the sitter. Robert’s parents have noticed the he has become quiet and withdrawn. Robert is afraid that he will be punished if he tells his parents.

Sexual abuse includes emotional, verbal, and physical actions, although it is often thought of only in terms of molestation or incest. As a result, the most common types of sexual abuse are not recognized by society as problematic.

Sexual abuse includes being exposed to inappropriate sexual messages or sexual situations. All families are exposed to some degree of sexual abuse through media containing inappropriate sexual content. For many children, their first experience with pornography took place in the home looking at their parent’s magazines or viewing televised or Internet porn. Repeated exposure to sexual situations creates the illusion of personal experience with sex. For teens this results in a breakdown of sexual boundaries and an increased desire to act out sexually.

Families can be involved in emotional and verbal sexual abuse through the use of inappropriate sexual talk. Abusive talk includes sexual innuendos, crude jokes, sexual comments about a child’s development or his body, or sexualizing normal child behavior. Many times this type of abuse is excused in a context of family teasing. Yet, this can be devastating to a young teen’s developing self-esteem.

Much of what is so-called “routine” teenage sexual behavior is actually sexual abuse. Sexual involvement at young ages is abuse, more so if an adult or much older teen is involved with a minor. Having multiple sexual partners during teen years is a form of self-abuse. Pressured sexual involvement and date rape is also common with teens and young adults. Sexual experiences that emotionally wound an individual can have long-term negative effects on his or her adult sexual life. Examples can include fear of intimacy, promiscuity, ongoing sexual shame, frigidity, sexual identify confusion, and possible sexual addiction problems.

The numbers of children victimized by molestation and incest are staggering. Conservative estimates suggest 1 in 4 females and 1 in 7 males experience physical sexual abuse before the age of 18. The trauma of childhood sexual abuse is often kept silent, leaving the victim to search out ways to quiet its pain. Eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, relationship addictions, pornography and sexual addictions are common behaviors exhibited by victims of sexual abuse.

Conclusion
The sad fact of life is that many people are wounded and that some families are comprised of hurting people. There is no perfect family this side of heaven. But recognizing that there will be troubled families does not excuse the abuse and neglect that often occurs. Instead, facing the reality of traumatic situations allows an individual to work through the issues, grieve the trauma, and move into healing.

In the end, trauma that is unresolved does not get stored away in a secret compartment never to return. Instead it acts as an acid that seeps into and poisons every aspect of our lives, clouding our ability to deal with new trauma and enjoy the good aspects of life.

The good news is that there is always help and healing for those seeking it. We were not created for misery, but for relationships — with one another and with our Creator. As Jesus Christ said, He has overcome this world. Christ is a beacon of hope and healing that can light the way on even the darkest path.

About the author
Steve Earll is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addictions Counselor in private practice specializing in family trauma, addictions, co-dependency, and recovery issues in Colorado Springs, CO. Steve has conducted training with therapists, educators, and churches concerning issues of addictions and family trauma in the United States, Canada, Europe and the Middle East.

Copyright © 2004 Steve Earll. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.