When parents fail to behave responsibly, children often take on adult roles to help the family survive.

Unpredictable Families
When Andy left for school in the morning his mother was visibly happy. He returned home to find his mother in bed depressed and suicidal. His mother suffers from fast cycling bi-polar disorder. She refuses to take her medications that help with this disorder. As a result, Andy does not have the basic safety of a consistent and predictable family situation. He lives with the daily fear of not knowing what mother he is coming home to.

Most families of trauma respond to problems in a predictable manner, even those that are stressful and dysfunctional. Unpredictable families of trauma, however, are often volatile and chaotic.

One category of unpredictable families includes those experiencing psychotic episodes or major psychiatric problems that change rapidly or are “fast cycling.” In a family that experiences a severe psychosis, members are never sure what type of personality they will confront in the psychotic family member. With fast-cycling psychiatric concerns like certain bipolar conditions, families can find themselves in a crisis situation without warning.

Transient families are another type of unpredictable family. Basic needs — such as having a constant or secure living location or knowing when a move is going to happen — are not met. Sudden “midnight” moves involving little time for emotional preparation are traumatic for all involved. Lack of financial stability, legal concerns, and paranoid types of psychosis often complicate transient situations.

A third type of unpredictable family involves a rage-addicted parent, whose anger quietly builds. Repressed anger can reach critical mass, resulting in a surprising and unreasonable rage explosion — often in response to an insignificant event. Mistrust and fear of the raging parent adds to the volatile and chaotic atmosphere of the family.

Families where Children Take on Adult Roles
Amanda is 12-years-old but feels 30. Both her parents have a drug problem. She cooks and washes clothes for her younger brother and sister. Amanda worries about family income, the bills, and how her parents are going to spend the money. When her parents talk about divorce, Amanda becomes the family counselor. She takes pride in her “helping the family,” but Amanda is more an adult than a child.

When parents fail to behave responsibly, their children often take on adult roles in an attempt to help the family survive. Such children tend to worry about the family finances, caring for the family, and parental relationships. The children “parent” their siblings to compensate for inadequate parental nurturing. They feel responsible for family financial problems and relationship conflicts.

Some children become confidants to one or both parents as the adults open up to them about mature issues such as relationship and marriage problems. Children who take on parental roles feel that they are emotionally responsible for their parents’ well-being and many times act more like a spouse than a child.

It is traumatic for children to take on adult responsibilities. They become a child in adult armor trying to do battle with the world. The pressure and expectations assumed by such children lead to long-lasting consequences, many times resulting in the abandonment of parental responsibilities when they become adults. Addictions become seductive escapes for the child weary of adult responsibilities.

Families of Deprivation
The Smith family appears to have it all. Both parents have excellent careers that provide the family financial security. A closer look, however, shows that the long work hours and frequent business travel have affected family relationships. Family meals are rare and usually eaten in front of the television. Each family member has their own computer and complete media entertainment center in their bedroom. When the family does do an activity together it usually involves the television, a movie, or video games. For the Smiths, entertainment has replaced parenting and intimacy.

Families of deprivation can be difficult to identify because they are families of “nothingness;” a family in name only. Deprivation families are inadequate in the areas of spiritual, emotional, social, physical, or educational nurturing. Three general family situations contribute to families of deprivation: The first is a work-addicted family; the second category includes families who struggle with media addictions; the third is the product of generations of deprivation.

The work-addicted family category involves all levels of the socioeconomic scale. In many of these situations, both parents work, resulting in little family time or meaningful interaction. In other families, the work addiction is the result of parents’ careers being more important than relationships with the family. These families produce children starved for parental guidance and nurturing.

Media families of deprivation substitute various media for a false sense of relationship and family interaction. Media includes books, television, radio, stereos, Internet, computer games, telephone, and all means of portable entertainment. In families with media addictions, members attempt to fill relationship needs by watching television, reading, listening to music or radio talk shows, or overusing the computer. Media relationships become safer than direct interpersonal family interactions.

Generational family deprivation is caused by a family lineage of learned hopelessness and parenting styles that are based on nurturing deficits. In these situations, children who have grown up with deprivation become parents of deprivation. This oppression accumulates over generations resulting in a legacy of chronic depression. For the adult who comes from deprivation, depression may become a problem that interferes with healthier parenting options.

About the author
Steve Earll is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addictions Counselor in private practice specializing in family trauma, addictions, co-dependency, and recovery issues in Colorado Springs, CO. Steve has conducted training with therapists, educators, and churches concerning issues of addictions and family trauma in the United States, Canada, Europe and the Middle East.

Copyright © 2004 Steve Earll. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.